Illustration: Dotti Colvin" "copyright SWAD
Recently government guidance banned close contact indoors
between two or more people from different households, due to Coronavirus. Some
interesting headlines followed, along the lines of “British Bonking Ban” and
“UK Sex Ban”. The general population were outraged at this interference in
their private sexual lives, and didn’t like being told “no” regarding this
pleasurable adult activity.
It got me thinking about how different life can be if you
have a long-term health condition or disability, particularly with regard to
sex. At SWAD, we’ve had experience of the limitations placed on intimate
relationships by narrow thinking on the part of health professionals; some of
it from personal experience, and some of it from other disabled people’s
experience. It is a “tax” on sex and intimacy that is virtually invisible until
you are in a situation where you have to pay it.
As one example, Mike who is one of our Directors, as a primary
carer, spent several years left with two feet of mattress to sleep on in bed.
Why? Mike and his partner Joanne*at the time, who was a full time wheelchair
user, had a king size bed. The Occupational Therapy (OT) team, at that time,
supplied a pressure-relieving air mattress for Joanne. This was a three feet
wide single mattress designed for hospital beds, and was placed on top of the
existing mattress. It meant that there was a five inch high barrier between
them, which made even cuddling in bed difficult. The air mattress couldn’t take
the weight of two people, so sex on it was out of the question, but no consideration
was given to this by any of the health professionals.
Mike spoke about the situation with his GP, who did give
some practical suggestions such as different positions in different locations. However,
Joanne needed to use a hoist for transferring so this wasn’t an option, as the
only hoist in the home ran between the bed and the bathroom. Also, there was a
pre-teen in the house, so the bedroom was the only private space. Mike was left
with the feeling that his and Joanne’s wish to have an intimate life together
fit squarely in the box of “sex is an optional extra – you should be grateful
to have any help at all with the disability, sex isn’t essential”.
We are aware of other disabled people having to fight for a
joint accessible bed, and they had spent 40 years together! Each individual had
health needs, but only one of them required a profiling bed. Each individual had
their own social worker/OT, with a small budget available to resolve the
situation. For a long time, the couple were refused the option of combining their
budgets into a joint budget, which would have allowed them to resolve their
situation AND still be able to even hold hands, never mind cuddle or have
sex. Thankfully, common sense prevailed,
and eventually a combined budget was allowed.
So, if you’re able-bodied and feeling a bit hacked off at
the limitations Coronavirus guidelines are putting on your sex life - take a
moment to count your blessings. If you are disabled, take a deep breath and ask
for the equipment and resources you need - please don’t be embarrassed to ask
any of your health professionals for assistance. If you are a healthcare
professional, you may feel that the standard “have you got any questions” may
cover the topic of sex and intimacy; and that the person in front of you “knows
they can ask you anything” - please don’t assume this. Perhaps it would be
better to say “You are welcome to ask me any questions. This could be about
equipment, procedure, or even about resources relating to sex and the intimate
side of life and relationships...I may not know the answer right now, but I am
happy to find out the answer and get back to you.” If these conversations don’t
happen, nothing will change.
*Joanne is not her real name
By Lorraine Stanley, SWAD
Get in touch:
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Facebook - @swaddorset
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